she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
