I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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