I CAN MOONWALK!
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
