You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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