you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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