I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
