I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
