morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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