Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
