I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
