This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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