OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
