just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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