let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Sext me about skeletons
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
