I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
