I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
