someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
