seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize