Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
