She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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