i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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