my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
