he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize