I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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