he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
