She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
