update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
