Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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