Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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