It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
