bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize