Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
