i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize