Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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