Do you still have your period?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
