i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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