smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
