what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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