I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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