I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
