Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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