Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
