I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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