You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We're too hungover to prance.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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