Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
