all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
