that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize