i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
