how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
