I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
