do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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