New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
