The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
as a side note pls kill me
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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