Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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