nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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