i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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