What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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