dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
