I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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