my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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