She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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