I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize