About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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