I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
two words...techno handjob
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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