I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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